What If

What If? 

I love this quote so much and it touched my heart so deeply, I cried when I first read it. It did not come from any site related to Autism. I simply saw it online and it beckoned me by saying - "What If?" - "What If?" - over and over again.

The story started last Saturday early in the morning around 3 or 4 am. I had been sick all week, went to the doctor and received medicine but it was not helping. I was taking Albuterol nebulizer treatments, cough, and cold medicine, and Tylenol, but I was still severely ill. Tony had gone to a friend's house, so it was just Jacob and me in the house.

I was sleeping in the bed, propped into a sitting position so I could breathe a little better, but was woken abruptly when I could no longer breathe. My lungs felt like they had collapsed and my body hurt all over so badly.

I could not catch my breath, but for briefs seconds at a time. It was then, I would take the deepest breath I could to deal with the times when I could not breathe. Jacob's room and my room are at opposite ends of the hallway. I had no way to call out to him. I could barely whisper much less yell for help.

I grabbed my cell phone from the table and called Jacob's cell phone, hoping and pleading that he would wake up and answer it. When I heard "Hello?" in the half-asleep mode, I was worried he wasn't awake enough. I just kept saying in a raspy voice, "Come to me, come to me, come to me." It was only a millisecond and my son was in the room with me, seeing how distressed and labored by breathing was and that I could not breathe at times. Luckily, Jacob suffered from asthma all his life, so the first thing he did was set a breathing treatment for me. I was so grateful and felt so blessed to have my miracle baby at that moment. He knew I did not want to go by ambulance due to finances. I did not know what else to do. I was concentrating so hard to take nice slow deep breathes through the nebulizer machine.

Jacob, thinking quickly on his feet, tried to calm me down and told me to keep slowly breathing in the nebulizer medicine. He said, "Mom, I am going to the neighbor's house to get her to come and take you to the hospital. You just focus on breathing in the nebulizer medicine and I will be right back." His voice and tone is so soothing and I was proud of him in how he was was handling the situation, I started to "happy cry" a little bit. Jacob told me, "Mom, do not cry, it will only makes things worse."

The next thing I remember is the neighbor and Jacob getting my clothes together and quickly getting me to the car. She told Jacob that he could go back to bed and she would call him with updates but he refused. He told her that he wanted to be with his mom. He told her, "She is all I have." 

I definitely heard him say that. It was sweet music to my ears and I smiled a bit. No, I smiled A LOT!

We were in and out of the emergency room in no time. It is not like back home where you wait for days to see someone. The emergency room gave me a different kind of medicine for the nebulizer, antibiotics, pain and nausea medicine. We went to Walgreens across the street and waited for my medicine. I could, at least, speak a little by the time we left there. 

We all finally got home and Jacob, Jasmine, and Tony helped me get into bed. I stayed there for days and I am still recuperating. I am not back at 100%. 

Isn't it amazing how when you are young, you bounce back from infections so quickly and the older you get, the more your body stops cooperating with you?  

More Importantly, "What If?" comes to mind.

What if Jacob did not do all of the things he did?
What if he panicked and did not know what to do?
What if he did not answer his phone?
What if he did not know how to get a nebulizer machine ready?
What if he did not think quickly enough on his feet to run and get Jasmine?


Those are too many "what ifs" for me. I am just thankful for my son who answered and aced each of those questions and many more. So, why says that children and youth with Asperger's and/or Autism will "never amount to anything"?


That is what I was told when Jacob was diagnosed. I am so glad I did not listen to that doctor. And the night of this instance are the times I wish that I could go back to those doctor's and show them how wrong they really are.


But, instead, I chose to focus on thanking my miracle baby, my Tony, and my neighbor. They are my heroes. But Jacob, he is so special. He has been there for me from day one and always "takes care of his Mom". It is times like this that I realize, "Hey, I did a pretty good job of raising him."


How many of you have said that as you watch your child do something truly amazing?

Regards, 
~Holley Jacobs